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Rigamortous in the Air

So, my friend from high school killed herself June 25, 2 days after her 28th birthday. Then a few days ago I got the news that my grandmother was ill and in ICU. So, its been a rough few weeks plus I'm moving, looking for money, and my girlfriend and her son are living with me now. Also, starting U of H August 25th. So much change in so little time. I feel like I'm on some hellacious amusement park ride and the operator has lost control. Anyway, more later. Bye for now.

Road Kill

So, I have a Spanish test at 3. I have to leave in an hour and a half and I have barely studied. I'm apparently in a fight with my gf. I am fearful of eviction if I can't whip up some money soon. I also may get my electricity cut off. I was doing so well. And now this. I ran over a cat yesterday. It just ran out in from of me and I tried to stop but it was too close and I had no time. As I looked back into my rear view mirror franticly searching for the cat that escaped. I realized that the soft bump I went over was not just a blemish in the road. I saw, without much detail the flailing parts of what used to be a beautiful white cat twitching in a lump in the middle of the raod yards behind me. Ugh.. and now this this world!! I have been dealing with all this graduation, final pressure. Worrying about passing this Spanish class. It will mean mean not graduating if I don't pass. I was dealing with it all with the support and love from my gf. and now we are fighting at such a critical moment for me. Fuck

Stupid Fights

Why do we have them? Seriously, what is the point of making a huge production out of making a point as a response to a reaction that you did not even comprehend. What ever happened to clarifying and assessing the problem. What ever happened to the benefit of the doubt. Is this love? I thought you loved me baby. Do I just want to believe in love so badly that I will continue to excuse your outbursts? I am not alway the one in the wrong and I find myself trying to communicate with you in an effort to resolve issues.

I cannot believe that you left the way you did last night because you thought I was asking you to choose me over your son. I think you blew that way out of proportion. Me getting upset because you were leaving (after telling me you'd help me study for an important exam) is not the same as an ultimatum. You find reasons to stay at my place on school nights just because you want to be here with me. But when I was counting on you to help me you acted like I was making you choose. I would never do that. It is actually very ridiculous to ever think I would. I shouldn't have to convince you otherwise. I am a mother myself and you never have to defend your relationship with your son to me.

The truth is, you overreacted to the situation and you blew things out of proportion. You left angry when you didn't need to. I am sure it was easy to set you off yesterday because you were grumpy all day and in pain but that shouldn't be an excuse. There is nothing to be gained or learned from this type of reaction. If you had taken one second to ask me to clarify what I was thinking or feeling you would have realized that this was an unnecessary argument. All you had to say is, "baby, I am sorry. I know I said I'd help you but I really need to go be with Jacob." But, you didn't even acknowledge that I was a human being. You immediately reacted like I was your enemy, meant to threaten your relationship with your son. When all along I was merely worried about my test. I wanted you to stay and study with me before you left. But you didn't even give me a second to explain. I wasn't even asking you to stay the night. I wouldn't ask you to stand your son up.

All of this was unnecessary. I tried to explain to you and clarify but you wouldn't listen. And I have no idea when you will read this. The last 2 emails were written in hast and I didn't have time to reflect. Now I realize that I must do as you said. That I shouldn't give into what you want and appease you so that we don't fight.

Maybe I worded something wrong last night to cause you to question what I was thinking. But honestly, it did not merit that response. I do not deserve to be treated that way. You need to get that anger under control more.

I love you but I need you to respect me and give me the benefit of the doubt. If I say or do something that you think is wrong or off-colored, question me about it before you assume you know what is going on. I guarantee you that it will prevent many misunderstandings and fights.

I need for you to apologize. I need to here you say the words, I was wrong. I need you to acknowledge that I am right sometimes. I need you to bear the burden sometimes. I cannot carry it for us all the time. This relationship is made of two and requires two to make it work. I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I don't want to do it on my own. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want a healthy relationship. I don't want to feel like my relationship is in jeopardy so often over misunderstandings. If you really can't see me for who I am and you cannot trust me then walk away and don't look back. Let me hurt. The hurt will fade eventually. Allow my happiness. I want you here with me but I refuse to be in another unhappy relationship.

I love you. And you won't read all of this because I won't show all of it to you. Unless we make it together long term. If we don't then perhaps as a departing gift so that you might learn something. I hope you call and try to make it right. I hope you get my email first. I need you to know how I feel.

They spoke of you

Friday night I went to a friends house to clean and help her pack. She was paying me, cause I need the money. So, My mom watched my son for me. I didn't have Katie this weekend. And my sister has been ripping her hair out over Derick, my nephew, and asked if I could pick him up from my mom's with Noah later after I was done. I did. When we got back to my place and were walking through the door Derick started looking around asked, "where Jackie at?" It was so cute and unexpected. It made me realize that people are really getting used to her being around and being in my life. Just today when my ex-husband came over to bring me something for Noah I had told him that there is a possibility that we would move in together at the end of the summer. I told him that it was something we only just talked about a couple of days ago and something that we are not sure about yet. I wanted to see his reaction. I was curious what an outsider may say. Especially a responsible person and someone who has a vested interest in my kids. I told him its not something I telling anyone about because I am not sure what will happen yet. He said that she seems like a sweet and nice person. I could tell he was being sincere and I reply with as much sincerity that she is. I love her very much and after everything. After all of the relationships I've been through, I want this to work out more than anything. I want to raise my kids with someone that I love and someone who loves me just as much back. I want to grow old with someone. And I don't want to wait till I'm too old to spend decades with the person I love. I am tired of empty promises of forevers. I give her my whole heart. I a vow that I will not anything or anyone deviate my eyes or heart from hers. I am hers and I pray that she feels just as I. Because I cannot bear the thought of losing her.

Writer's Block: Outta My Way!

Have you ever experienced road rage?

I actually got out of the car on Hwy 6 one time and stopped traffic to bang on the car 's window behind me and yell at them to not ride my ass!!! Talk about adrenaline. The girl in the car looked like she was gonna shit herself. I can't stand tailgaters.

Writer's Block: More, More, More

What would you like to do more of?

I think I would like to travel more and take photos of whatever strikes my fancy. Explore downtown and artsy side of different towns. I know I want to go to New York and walk around. Seattle would be great too. There is something really romantic about walking around in the rain. I can't help but to think about Kurt Cobain and the time of my life when he was edging closer to his suicide when I think Seattle. Colorado has always attracted me with the climate and beautiful landscape. I think Denver but then its tainted because I'm avoiding my ex and she moved there. My dad lived there for several years too. I Want to see South Africa,particularly Capetown. Well, I want to finish this entry later because I'm going with my girlfriend to HCC Central downtown so she can finish registering for school. I'm really excited for her. Yesterday we walked around downtown and took photos and I got to ride the light rail and go to the underground shops for the first time. It was awesome. Gotta GO! Finish later!!

What Do You Have To Say? - Ringing in 2008

What are your New Year's Eve plans?

i think this is where i'll be.. kickin it with some old school friends..

Long Time No Writing

So much has happen this year. I have managed to accomplish the most challenging and horrifying goals of my life, to become independent. I can honestly say that i am proud of myself. I have gotten some experience under my wing in many categories, relationships and jobs to name a couple. I have made so really great friends and strengthened some old ones. I have had so many firsts this year. I actually kept a job while having another job. I have held 3 jobs at one time this year. And still have them. I haven't burned any career bridges this year but have lost a few acquaintances. (who needs em?) I fell in love with the L Word (as if i couldn't get any more cliche). I found a great haircut and adopted a greater self image. I learned that being alone isn't so bad. It is worse to be with someone just to avoid being alone. I recently renewed my lease for the first time and made my first commission at work. I only have 6 more classes till i graduate and get my AA. I graduate 08!

My Family has finally accepted my being gay and my kids are cool with it. My divorce is final and my ex husband and I are getting along great. I have been writing for a local Houston Zine called Pussy Cuntrol. Its just something be involved in sometimes.. Its cool. You should read it. Check it out on my myspace.

I had my First holiday EVER with my Dad and his side of the family. I met them all just a few years ago and have been slowly building a relationship with them.

I stopped smoking successfully!! and have slowed my party down.. I am more a well-rounded individual and happier. Ok, so more to come later! Hope to hear from some of you!


cankle oh cankle how i do love the.. so swollen and purple.. you mesmerize me.. to hobble and hop on my bad knee.. it everything i can do.. cankle and me..


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

love, lust, lesbians, and beyond..

someone once told me to watch myself when referring to what they called the "houston lesbian mafia." i now see why. these girls come in assorted packages and i have yet to find the one suitable for me.

on my birthday alone i came across: shockers, flakes, fakes, deceivers, judges, and desperados.. and lets not forget my favorites: mind-blowers, just plain ridiculous, manipulators, and my all time number one favorite: heart-breakers.. (the kind that never give up and go away). Sometime I think I rather come across a predatorial type than one more in touch with parasitism.

perhaps my problem is the "deli" or "meat market" the "barn" or whatever you want to call the bar/club scene nowadays.. i always seem to settle for lessthan what i should.. and it takes me time to realize this because i am not a concieted person.. i tend to try to find the best in EVERYONE.. so, i am cursed, i suppose..

I think that there is a god.. and she has a great sense of humor or at least she thinks she does.. and is up there right now rolling around in the clouds at the foot of her golden throne laugh her majestic ass off at me..

so, if there really is someone.. and i haven't met her.. then where the hell is she? maybe i should just stop looking.. i'm going to give up.. and become a book lover.. books are loyal.. they may never give affection, but they can take your mind away for awhile and don't require kitty litter..

good day..
i said good day!